HUMOROUS TRUE STORIES


blank Cats
blank College Professors
blank Coming home from Cirque du Soleil
blank Do You Have a Mother? - New
blank eMail Morons
blank Kids
blank A Load of Onions
blank The Logic of Bankers
blank A Moving Story
blank My Co-worker, the Mother
blank My First Trip for the Company
blank My 360
blank NECCO Wafers
blank The Romance of Pneumonia
blank Shipping
blank State Policemen
blank Too Many Internet Explorer Windows
blank Homemade Root Beer

blank Stories from the Home Health Care field

                

 

 

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College professors: My wife, Brenda, took a business writing course. The professor requires the students to write papers. They hand them in, he grades them, and they have the opportunity to rewrite them for final grading. One week the professor handed out the papers and was getting ready to leave, but he hadn't given Brenda her paper. He looked and looked but couldn't find it. She said, "That's OK. I always print two copies. I'll give you the other one, and you can grade that one." She gave him the paper and was almost to the door when he called her back saying that he had found the paper. The grade was a B. She took it and left. During the next week she sweated over the rewrite. She handed it in at the next class session at the beginning of a break. When she got back from the break, there was a paper upside down on her desk. It was the second copy of the original paper. The grade was A, and the professor had written on it, "Much better!" She ran up to the professor's desk and took back her rewrite.

 

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State policemen: I take a state toll road, a 6 lane highway (3 lanes east and 3 lanes west), to work every morning at around 6 a.m. One morning in December I was getting on the highway. It was pitch dark except for the lights of the cars and the few street lights. I moved into the passing lane and increased my speed to 75-80. I began passing the cars to the right. I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that a car was closing in on me. He flashed his brights at me, but the cars to the right were too close together to move over right away so I kept my speed up to finish passing them all. The guy behind me was flashing me all the way. I was finally able to get over to the right. There was plenty of room to pass me and get by the guy ahead of him, but he pulled up beside me. I make it a practice of never looking at drivers who I think are ticked off at me for something I did. I don't want to trigger any road rage. When he wouldn't pass me I decided that I would make it so he couldn't pass me. I increased my speed. A few seconds later I noticed he had moved up behind me and turned his flashing lights on top of his car.

 

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Cats: Recently, one of my wife Brenda's friends moved into our neighborhood. She has a young cat. When she was preparing to move into the new home, she had made arrangements with one of the other neighbors to watch the cat while the movers were bringing the things in. But they arrived before she had expected them, and the neighbors weren't home. So she put the cat in an upstairs bedroom with some food. Well, the cat really liked the room. It treats it like her bedroom and sleeps in it. And when it is time to feed the cat, Brenda's friend puts the food on the kitchen floor. The cat sniffs it, looks at her, then looks at the food again. It turns around and starts toward the bedroom upstairs. It looks around every few seconds to make sure that she is bringing the food with her.

 

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The Logic of Bankers: Recently, my wife and I received a mailing from our local bank. The letter said that they could not continue to send mailings to us unless we verified our address. Our correct address was printed on the letter. The letter then said that if the address was not correct, we were to write the correct one in a space provided and send it back. However, we didn't have to return it if the address was correct. I'm not sure how they expected the letter to get to us if it had a wrong address on it.

 

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My First Trip For the Company (1999): It was my first trip for the company. I flew into Kansas City to meet some coworkers. We were going to double-check to make sure everything was OK for Y2K. Everything was fine in Kansas City. We were done early, so we flew to Minneapolis. We checked our Minneapolis site, and everything was fine. We decided to fly home to Philadelphia early. We drove to the Minneapolis airport and asked to switch tickets. The problem was that we had 30 minutes to catch the plane. It took 10 minutes to switch tickets -- an eternity. Then we went to check our carry-ons through the x-ray machines. I placed my carry-ons on the conveyor belt and walked through the metal detector. One of my carry-ons didn't pass. They said there was some kind of cylinder in it. I told them it was my shaving cream. I asked, "What should someone bring with them to shave with if it can't be a can of shaving cream?" No answer. I had to get the key out and unlock the bag. The attendant took out the shaving cream and ran it through again. It still didn't pass. He asked if I had a medallion in the bag. I couldn't think of anything for the life of me. He unpacked everything in the bag -- only to find out it was a belt buckle. He said, "You can go now." The whole process had taken another 15 minutes. Of course, I had to pack everything back up and lock it and run with my coworkers to catch the plane. We got to the gate and asked if we were too late. The gate attendant said they were holding the plane for us. He had to unlock the door to the ramp to let us board the plane (something that none of us had ever experienced). I was the last one on the plane. Then I found out that my ticket was for a seat that had already been sold. The flight attendants said, "Take a window seat." I looked around. There were no empty seats that I could see. One of the flight attendants said, "Here is one." It was all the way in the back of the plane. Finally, we were able to take off. Finally!

 

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Coming home from Cirque du Soleil (October, 2001): My wife, Brenda, had voiced a desire to see Cirque du Soleil sometime. I bought two tickets for her birthday. Neither one of us are great fans of circuses or gymnastics, but this was something that would be nice to do. We were very surprised how much we enjoyed it. I would recommend this experience to anyone. We might try to attend the other ones in Las Vegas and Florida. Anyway ... On our way home we took a winding four lane road. At one point we had to stop for a traffic light. We were four cars from the front of the line in our lane. I noticed a Philadelphia policeman pull up beside us and pointed this out to Brenda. The light turned green. Our lane wasn't moving. The car in front was trying to turn left against traffic. The intersection was clearly marked that turning left was illegal. The policeman pulled up along side of the car that was trying to turn. He just sat there and waited. When the traffic cleared, the car turned left, the policeman turned on his lights and turned across our lane to follow the miscreant. Brenda and I cheered.

 

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eMail Morons: It never ceases to amaze me about the lack of intelligence of people in the corporate world. The company I work at has email groups set up for the whole company. If there is information that the whole company needs, the information may be sent out to the whole company by using one or more email groups. The other day, someone sent out a newsletter that was being developed. The sender asked for comments. Rather than just reply to the sender, people were using the "Reply to All" feature. Then there were those who were using the "Reply to All" feature to tell people to stop replying to all. Then there were those who used "Reply to All" in order to tell those people not to reply to all. Then there were those who replied to all in order to say that they wanted to removed from the distribution lists. Then there were those who replied with no text in order to tick everyone off.Then someone replied to all in order to point out that everyone's managers were in those lists. Then someone replied to all in order to point out that the manager of the person who pointed that out was getting all the emails. Then there were those who replied to all to say that the president of the company was getting all of these emails. But do you think that stopped everyone. NOOOO!!! Someone had to reply to all in order to point out that the last person didn't spell the last name of the company president correctly. AARGHH!! There were two who beat all others. My nominee for moron of the week was the person who was so frustrated that they replied to every single message they got using the "Reply to All" feature in order to request that they be removed from the distribution list. And my nominee for the moron of the year was the person who replied to all with a return receipt requested, so he received emails from everyone in the company with the text "Read" at the beginning of the title -- probably 20000 emails. The company got the last laugh, however. They sent out an update to Microsoft Outlook that took away the "Reply All" feature. Here is the text of a very humorous takeoff (another email, of course) on the whole fiasco:

Ahhh, you loved them, you hated them, but now you can relive those treasured moments again with:

“REPLY-ALL’s Greatest Hits”.

Who could forget some of these selected masterpieces?

  • PEOPLE ON EARTH WAKE UP.....STOP REPLYING TO THIS E-MAIL OR ELSE ......CHAOS...
  • PLEASE STOP REPLYING TO EVERYONE...I HAVE REPORTED THIS TO H.R., AND COMPLIANCE. STOP REPLYING JUST END IT ALREADY. THIS IS VERY DISTURBING. GET TO WORK. !!!!
  • GET A LIFE!!!!!!!!!! DO SOME WORK I HAVE PLENTY IF U NEED SOME!!!!!!
  • HELLO, THE ONLY MESSAGES WE HAVE GOTTEN ALL DAY IS FROM PEOPLE TELLING EVERYONE TO STOP SENDING MESSAGES AND NOTHING ELSE ABOUT THE WEATHER BULLETIN SINCE THURSDAY.

    • Call 1-800-STOP-THE-EMAIL to pre-order your copy now. Don’t delay. Callers are flooding our operators. Reserve your copy now before it’s too late.
    And, as an added bonus, for a limited time, if you place your order before midnight, you’ll receive absolutely free, our all-time classic:

    PLEASE STOP ALL WEATHER UPDATES ... AND STOP HITTING REPLY-ALL !!!
    PLEASE STOP ALL WEATHER UPDATES ... AND STOP HITTING REPLY-ALL !!!
    PLEASE STOP ALL WEATHER UPDATES ... AND STOP HITTING REPLY-ALL !!!
    PLEASE STOP ALL WEATHER UPDATES ... AND STOP HITTING REPLY-ALL !!!

    Call now!

     

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    Kids (July, 2004): My wife went to a baby shower last weekend, and she heard some stories. Here are a couple:
         My niece, Denise, has two boys, Damian (4) and Christian (2). They are the cutest, sweetest boys. One day Denise realized that she hadn't seen Damian for a while. She started calling his name and looking for him. The family looked all over the house in every room and closet. No Damian. They searched the yard and the neighborhood and were about to call the police. They were becoming frantic. Then Denise asked Christian, "Do you know where your brother is?" He nodded and said, "Huh. Closhet" -- meaning "Uh-huh, closet." Denise said, "He couldn't be in a closet. I looked in every one." Christian pointed to a closet. Denise opened the door and pulled everything out. There was Damian. He had crawled over the top of some stuff and was hiding as far back as he could get. He was giggling and giggling, because he hadn't been found for such a long time. He thought he had won a hide and seek game. But what was funny about the whole thing was that when the family was searching for Damian, Christian had been searching and calling out his brother's name even though he knew where his brother was.
         My nephew, Clint, has a step-son, Tyler (9). They were driving home one day, and Tyler says to Clint, "At the next turn I want to get out of the truck." The next turn was their driveway, and Clint said, "I'll drive up to the house, and you can get out then." He started turning into the driveway, and Tyler opened the door, threw himself out of the truck, hit the ground and rolled -- just like in the movies. Clint stopped the truck right away and ran over to him. Tyler was sitting there crying. Clint said, "Why would you want to do a fool thing like that?" Tyler said he wanted to see if he could do it and whether it would hurt. They told my wife that there is another boy in the town who has thrown himself from his parents' car so often that the parents have been investigated for child abuse.
         It's a wonder any of us made it to adulthood.

     

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    NECCO wafers: My wife's family gave my father-in-law rolls of NECCO wafers. They are disks of flavored sugar that is made by the NECCO company (Northeast Candy Company). Every time he acted very appreciative. One year his son came up to celebrate his birthday, and when the gifts were opened and one of them was the NECCO wafers, my brother-in-law said, "Boy I love NECCO wafers! We can't get them very easily in Florida." It turns out that the family got confused. It was my brother-in-law who loved NECCO wafers, not my father-in-law. Everyone had a good laugh over that one.

     

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    My Co-Worker, the Mother: One of my co-worker's is the mother of three. She has a sense of humor kind of like Roseanne Barr. She said that her family was going camping this weekend. She has a pre-teenage daughter, so I asked if her daughter appreciated going camping and missing the use of the telephone. My co-worker said that her daughter wasn't into using the telephone like a lot of teenaged girls are. She said that her daughter was upset that they were going camping this weekend, because it was her thirteenth birthday, and she wanted the family to stay home so that she could have her friends over for a sleep-over. My co-worker said that she retorted, "What? You want to have your friends over so that you can all be made to go to sleep by 7 p.m.?" Everyone at the lunch table laughed.

     

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    The Romance of Pneumonia: My wife's mother told the story about how because she had pneumonia at 10, she met my wife's dad dad when she was 24. My wife's mother got pneumonia and was in the hospital in the same room as another boy named Willard about the same age, and they became friendly. My wife's mother has a miraculous ability to remember everyone's name. When she was 24 she went to a square dance with her girlfriend and recognized a guy across the room as the grown up version of the boy who she had been in the hospital with 14 years before. She sent her girlfriend over to him to ask him if he recognized her. He said no. My wife's mother sent her girlfriend back to ask if he had a sister named by a certain name. (After all those years of little or no contact, she still remembered his sister's name.) He said yes, but he still didn't know her. Then she sent the girlfriend over to ask if he ever bounced on orange ball over the end of his bed in the hospital. Then Willard remembered. Well, since high school Willard had been the best friend of my wife's dad, and they started dating that night. So if my wife's mother hadn't had pneumonia at 10 and been placed in the same room as Willard, she would have never met the man she eventually married, and they wouldn't have had 5 kids (and their spouses) and 6 grandkids (and their spouses) and 7 great-grandkids.

     

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    My 360: I was attending Penn State University at night to brush up on some of the skills needed in my job. During one class during the winter, there was freezing rain falling on the roads. I got into my 4 wheel drive SUV (Ford Explorer), and I started out. In order to get home I had to get on a highway ramp that was basically a 180 degree turn onto a major highway. The traffic was light. The ramp was slightly banked so that trucks didn't have to slow down to a crawl to merge onto the highway. As I started to make the turn, the vehicle began to spin out of control. I couldn't do much, because the highway ramp was so icy. The truck continued to spin on the banked ramp, and it ended up that I did a complete 360 turn which ended just as I was about to have to merge onto the highway. I just straightened my SUV out and continued on my way home.

     

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    A Moving Story: I was helping my mother-in-law move at the end of last week. On the evening of the second day, I was sitting on the couch in her new living room. Next to me was this cabinet that was full of cubby-holes that were filled with spools of thread. Every now and then I would hear a spool move. There was a crack where the two halves of the cabinet came together where something could have gotten into it. It sounded like when a cat plays with something hard on a wood floor. After several noises came out of the cabinet I went to Brenda and told her that I thought something was inside the cabinet. She came over with me and listened, and soon there was a noise of a rolling spool of thread. I told her that I would get my shoes and we would take the cabinet outside and release whatever was inside. She looked pretty nervous, but she said OK. I went to get my shoes. As I was moving away from the cabinet, the "creature" inside seemed to sense that I was moving away, because the spool was being moved around even more. Brenda started laughing. I came into the living room with my shoes, and she began to tell me what was happening, but then the spool started to roll around again while we were standing there as Brenda's mother came into the room. Finally, when Brenda was able to breathe, she said that I had somehow gotten a piece of thread attached to my leg. I had been pulling the thread off of the spool, and when we were in the living room, her mother had gotten entangled in it and was causing part of the noise. (The thread and the carpet were both brown, and it was very difficult to see.) We had quite a laugh.

     

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    A Load of Onions: My brother-in-law is a truck driver who drives cross country. He had become close friends with another driver working for the same company. The friend died. My brother-in-law didn't know if he had any family, but he knew that the man wanted to be cremated so that's what he did. Soon after the cremation he was contacted by family members who lived in North Carolina, so he volunteered to bring the remains, which were now in a sealed urn, to them. But first, as a proper send off, he carried the urn in the bunk part of his cab back and forth across the country three or four times. On one of these trips he was stopped by a policeman. The policeman asked, "What do you have in the truck?" My brother-in-law said, "A load of onions and a dead man!" The policeman said, "You do!? Open the truck up. I want to see this." So my brother-in-law opened up the trailer, and there were the onions. The policeman said, "Well, where's the dead man?" "Oh, he's in the bunk." So my brother-in-law went into the bunk and brought out the urn. The policeman said, "You're crazy! Get out of here!"

     

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    Shipping: I ordered some stuff on the internet, and they had a variety of shipping options. I didn't need it right away, so I chose what I thought was the slowest method of shipping. The next day when I got home from work, there was a message on our answering machine. It was the company that I'd ordered through. Brenda called them back, and they asked if I wanted the items shipped priority. After Brenda got off the phone, I said that if they had just shipped it in the morning, we would get it almost a whole day faster.

     

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    Too Many Internet Explorer Windows: I began to have trouble off-and-on with my Internet Explorer redirecting to the home page I had set up. It happened rarely. I would have Internet Explorer open and minimized, but suddenly it was back at my home page. The whole thing began to get worse a couple months later -- during my Christmas vacation. I was using the PC a lot lately, because I was trying to do something new on my website. At one point I would have two or three IE windows open up on their own. One night it got particularly bad, because I was getting anywhere from 25-40 windows opened up in less than a minute. It seemed to be related to my use of the keyboard. If I used the mouse, the windows wouldn't appear. If I was in Excel and typing something or using the tab key, the windows would start appearing. I was doing virus scans and spyware scans. I stayed up to 1 a.m. one morning trying to do research (among all the windows). I even reported the problem to a spyware forums. Then my wife couldn't sleep, and she came in. I was discussing it with her when it suddenly dawned on me what it might be. I have a piece of slate that I use as a backdrop to hold some paper straight that I would type off of (for the website stuff), and there are these extra buttons on the keyboard that I had been resting it against. I picked up the paper and the slate and looked at the buttons. All of them were related to the internet. One has the label "Web/Home". Apparently, the slate had gradually gotten to the point where it was resting against that button. The more I typed and fiddled with my papers, the more it wiggled its way onto that button. I moved the slate off of the keyboard, and the problem was solved. Pretty funny. I'm more of a software guy, and software people are notoriously bad with hardware.

     

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    Too Many Internet Explorer Windows: For a while I worked as an administrator in a small college. It was a religious-type college. My wife and I were walking through the supermarket/grocery store, and I noticed an extract of root beer that had a recipe for making root beer at home. I thought the recipe looked pretty easy, so I began my preparations. I began collecting 2 liter glass soda bottles. When I had about 30 of them, I decided it was time to begin making the root beer. I followed the recipe to the letter. One of the ingredients was yeast. I waited the prescribed amount of time before I opened the first bottle. I couldn't believe the flavor. It tasted like something had gone bad. I was about to pour it all down the drain when a student would come to my door every now and then and ask for a bottle. Eventually, I poured all the rest down the drain. At the time, I had never had any alcohol of any kind, and now my wife and I realize that the root beer had fermented and was getting increasingly potent.
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    Do You Have a Mother? We went to our nephew's daughter's fourth birthday party. She was on a swing being pushed by my wife. The little girl is small but very smart. At one point she asked my wife, "Do you have a mother?" Brenda said, "Nana's my mom." Then the little girl said, "Do you have to listen to her?" Four years old, going on thirteen.

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